Category: Humor

It’s Not the Gnomes; It’s the Dragons

For once it wasn’t the gnomes per se that were the problem. I can see why you might think they’re the problem. They usually are. What with their perky little pointy hats, mining and garden implements, and cutesy singing while they work, they can really drive a person crazy. They’re worse than dwarves, if you can imagine that! This time, however, the problem is the dragons. Whoever would have thought that when the dragons came back the big problem wouldn’t be their overbearing ways, strutting and preening and ordering us around. Who would have thought the problem would be maintenance!

Y’see, dragons can’t just incinerate people and things on a whim. They need to be primed with these red rocks they eat to keep their internal fires burning. Dragons blood they call it. Without dragons blood they don’t stay primed. The effect is sorta like one of those bee smokers. You know the ones. Put something flammable in the little chimney, start the fire, close the chimney to snuff the fire out. Then, poof! Clouds of smoke to put the bees to sleep. Or does it chase them away? Hmmm. Well, either way, the bees aren’t a problem any more. As you can imagine, if those little bee smokers are so potent, just think of how much more smoke a dragon-size chimney would make! Why, if people get in the way of that cloud, they’d be coughing and choking and dropping like flies. Or bees.

Anyway. The dragons’ problem at the moment is that the supply of dragons blood is almost gone. It’s a problem that just may have been caused by those prissy little gnomes failing to create a regular schedule to actually go down into the mines EVERY DAY to mine more dragons blood. Whoever thought to put the damn gnomes in charge of maintenance had a couple screws loose. Dwarves would have been so much better. For one thing, they’re taller and stockier than gnomes, and they’re reliable. For another, they’re better miners. And for another, they’re all muscle. They could handle the dragons blood stockpile and the dragons, too. Now both the gnomes and dwarves are planning the quickest way to augment the dwindling dragons blood supply.

In the meantime, it’s my responsibility to figure out how to stop the dragons from smoking. Me! A mere jester! And a substitute one, at that. Don’t bother asking me how I got stuck with this assignment. Darned if I know! Someone must think that, if I make the dragons laugh themselves silly, they’ll generate a huge dragon-dropping smoke cloud and knock themselves out. Y’know, I’d actually like to see that. Wonder if it would work. Hmmmm.

Anyway.  Maybe if the dragons drink plenty of water that’ll squelch their fires completely.  Pfft! How likely is that plan to succeed. You put a dragon’s fire completely out, & what do you have? A giant lizard with no earthly purpose other than to get in everyone’s way. They know that, too. That’s why you hardly ever see a dragon drinking anything. Maybe a little pint of the black stuff now and then to do double duty of  quenching their thirst while keeping the fires burning inside, but not too much of any other liquid slides down those long throats.

Gotta come up with a plan …..

 

550 words.  [This is all I got. It’s the longest fictional piece I’ve ever written, so I’m satisfied for now.]

Written in response to PT Wyant’s  Wednesday Words #185 prompt “For once it wasn’t the gnomes that were the problem.”

and to Masters of Writing Flash Fiction Challenge prompt “smoke” (even if too long)

and to Daily Addictions prompts “reliable” and “augment“

 

 

Oceans of Prompts

The day I decided to actually blog on this ol’ blog o’ mine three years after its birth, I did so because I had some words in my head that were calling to me. Really nagging me. Once I started typing, those words practically poured out, in the uncharted genre of poetry, no less. It was a strange sensation. Whenever I’ve written for work or school, while I’ve liked the end result, the writing process itself was like pulling teeth. What’s more, rather than the extensive editing I’ve usually done, I needed only minor edits before I felt confident in publishing that first post.

I figured, piece of cake; I can be a blogger. Had no idea what direction I wanted to go in or what style of writing I’d use (or try to use). Would anyone even want to read what I write? What I did know with certainty, however, was that the poem was a fluke. I’m not creative. Oh, I’d like to be creative, but I knew, realistically, I wouldn’t be writing any poems or fiction. After a lifetime of writing school essays and papers, sales proposals and reports, legal motions and briefs, I expected to primarily write opinion pieces about current events or music or books I like.

Then a strange thing happened. People started “liking” my first post and poem. Encouraging me. Following me! While reading, liking, and following their posts, I discovered the wonderful world of prompts. I responded to one and published my second post — another poem! Reading another follower’s posts, I was introduced to six-word story prompts and discovered that I can write little creative stories. Other prompts have inspired me to write a couple of flash fiction pieces. Fiction! Maybe I’m a little creative, after all.

Who knew so many prompts and challenge choices existed? For the past few days I’ve been trying to come up with a manageable system of keeping track of them all; trying to decide which ones I want to attempt and which ones I want to continue with. In the midst of it all, Fandango published his daily one word challenge prompt, “continue.” Not only did he publish the prompt, he also responded to it in a blog asking whether he should continue his dip into the sea of one word challenge hosts. That sly dog now has two posts today that people are commenting on and pinging back to, all while themselves using today’s “continue” prompt.

Well done, Fandango, well done. You should definitely continue hosting a daily challenge. This is only the second one I’ve responded to, but I’ve already decided yours is one I want to follow. Even if I never respond to another one, I enjoy reading the responses your prompts inspire. Plus, I love your sense of humor.

Response to https://fivedotoh.com/2018/06/30/fowc-with-fandango-continue/ 
 and to https://fivedotoh.com/2018/06/30/fowc-too-much-of-a-good-thing/